Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Journey Continues

You know every time I think that I have accepted that my kids are not "normal" I am thrown for another loop.

I don't know if, as a mom and dad, that you can ever accept that your kids will not be like other kids. There are some parents who have children with physical defects and others who have children with brain injuries that will never be cured. There is nothing that these parents can do. Their acceptance of reality is much harsher and yet it is quick and permanent.

For Darrin and I the acceptance comes and goes. There are days that we just know that the treatment we are doing with the children will work and other days it seems as if we will be with these kids for the rest of our lives because they will not be able to live on their own.

Having Connor has brought a new sadness to us. We are watching him develop into a normal little boy. He will not have the Autism as the others do, because we are taking steps to prevent it. I am happy that we know what to do for him, but sad because we did not know these things to do with the boys and Addi. I swing between emotions.

I know that God intended for us to have these children and to walk this road with them, but my mommy heart is angry that we did not have this information when the boys and Addi were babies. I am mostly angry at our pediatrician. She should have known that the boys were not healthy. She should have put it together. This is why we do well baby checks. They are the professionals and she let me down.

Darrin and I take turns with doubt about out kids futures. Yesterday we both had doubts. This is a rare occasion, but we were both grieving the loss of a dream we thought we were ok not having. That is until we had Connor. We are reminded about how much we have missed. We are reminded about the fact that we don't know our sons or Addi the way we want to because we still don't have the whole key to unlocking their brains so that they are no longer held captive.

We have come a long way on this journey, but it is heart wrenching to see what was taken from us. Over the next few years we will be reminded on a daily basis, as we watch Connor grow, how much was actually stolen from us.

In my heart I know that this is the path that was meant for us to walk. It was not to be any different. It has been written from the beginning that this is what our family would be and this is what the Lord has for some of our children. Knowing this does not make the grief any less. As parents we all have dreams for our children. Dreams of success in faith, work and family. At this point I am afraid to dream for my kids. I don't want to have them crushed again.


Heather L. said...

I so appreciate your honesty in sharing this. It seems so trite to even try to comment on such a hugely personal and deep issue. But I want to comment -- just to say that we want to be here to bear this burden in some small way with you, to pray that God strengthens and upholds you through this. We love you.

Alaina said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I can't pretend to imagine the grief, anger and fear that you must experience. Praying for you. I so admire the commitment you and Darren have made to your beautiful children.

Monica said...

You are an example to us all, Jennie, of what it means to walk by faith and not by sight. I'm praying that you will continue to receive the encouragement you need to keep going down this hard road.

I've really enjoyed getting to know your boys these past few weeks and seeing the bits and pieces that you love so much.

Amy K said...

Jennie-we love you and we care! You have a beautiful family and we can't wait to see God' plan unfold. I'm sorry for those hard days.

And I agree that well-baby exams are a crock, most times.

kim said...

I appreciate your feelings about the Autism and your children. I have posted before about my hav ing a son who will be 19 next month Aspergers. I know some of the things you are feeling, but not all. It is a battle to the very end! I feel as if I have needed boxing gloves to make it this far! But I have made it this far and so will you. Your right...God chose us as their parents and it is for a reason. HE has this all right in the palm of HIS hand. God Bless you and your family as you continue this road.