Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Weekend of Revelation

For the first time in about a year, Darrin and I got away, alone, this weekend. It was a time to sleep, reconnect, eat carbs and reflect on our past year. Right now Darrin is my reassurance that all will be fine. I don't feel this way right now. I want everything to be normal yesterday.

Taylor was having a hard time on Friday. His attitude was fine, but he was moaning about his tummy. He tried to tell me what was wrong, but could not get the words out. I gathered him up in my arms, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and rocked him back and forth while holding him tight. It was at this time that I was hit with the full impact that I have kids with special needs. Don't get me wrong, I knew my boys were behind and had some catching up to do, but this was different. I saw at that moment how different they are.

I really don't know how to put into words the feeling that I had in those brief minutes. All I can say is that I now accept that my boys will be what they will be. God has know what they will be since the beginning of time. Apparently there is a reason for this Autism. This syndrome will play a part in the completion of the call of God in their lives. This is a necessary piece of the puzzle. They may never come to full recovery. That is OK. I am finally accepting that the boys will never be "normal". They will always have Autism and have to deal with its effects on their bodies. I don't know what kind of lives they will lead. I don't know what kind of work they will do. I do know that it will be fabulous and beyond anything I could have thought. For some reason they have been chosen to walk this road.

So many time I have read about parents who would make statements like "Autism has added so much to my child. I don't know who my child would be without it. It is such a joy to raise her." I would want to shout and yell, "Bull, get real lady." I do have to say, I am beginning to see what they mean. I am not to the "let's get up and shout for joy, my kid has Autism." stage. I don't know that I will ever be there. But, I do know that the more I understand this syndrome the more I understand what a privilege it is to have this glimpse into the world where these individuals live. Sometimes I wonder if we are not the ones that have the disabilities. I wonder if those with Autism have a better understanding about acceptance, because they are not hindered by "social graces" and wondering about what others think.

I know there will be days of doubt ahead, but for the first time in a very long time I am not panicking about the boys treatment. There is only so much I can do. I will do what I can, but the rest in in the hand of God. For tonight I will rest in the peace that the God who holds the universe in the palm of His hand, has a very special plan for my little boys and He will bring it to pass.

Isaiah 55:9 - 13
For my thoughts [are] not your thoughts, neither [are] your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper [in the thing] whereto I sent it.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap [their] hands.

Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the LORD for a name, for an everlasting sign [that] shall not be cut off.


Heather L. said...

Thanks for your post, Jennie. The concept of acceptance of God's plan is applicable to all of our lives, in so many different situations -- I admit, it is HARD to finally get used to the idea that God's very different ways might be best. i can't wait until heaven when we'll see these hard times for the good they really are.

Ambrose Family said...

Jennie, this was a very inspiring post. It appears that Jame's advice of counting it joy when we fall into trials is something you're learning. I respect that so much!

By the way, what's with the new broker/partner for Pete? Is he taking your place? I'm very confused.

Alaina said...

What a great post, Jennie. I appreciate your honesty. I'm praying for you - for all of you.