The Journey Continues

You know every time I think that I have accepted that my kids are not "normal" I am thrown for another loop.

I don't know if, as a mom and dad, that you can ever accept that your kids will not be like other kids. There are some parents who have children with physical defects and others who have children with brain injuries that will never be cured. There is nothing that these parents can do. Their acceptance of reality is much harsher and yet it is quick and permanent.

For Darrin and I the acceptance comes and goes. There are days that we just know that the treatment we are doing with the children will work and other days it seems as if we will be with these kids for the rest of our lives because they will not be able to live on their own.

Having Connor has brought a new sadness to us. We are watching him develop into a normal little boy. He will not have the Autism as the others do, because we are taking steps to prevent it. I am happy that we know what to do for him, but sad because we did not know these things to do with the boys and Addi. I swing between emotions.

I know that God intended for us to have these children and to walk this road with them, but my mommy heart is angry that we did not have this information when the boys and Addi were babies. I am mostly angry at our pediatrician. She should have known that the boys were not healthy. She should have put it together. This is why we do well baby checks. They are the professionals and she let me down.

Darrin and I take turns with doubt about out kids futures. Yesterday we both had doubts. This is a rare occasion, but we were both grieving the loss of a dream we thought we were ok not having. That is until we had Connor. We are reminded about how much we have missed. We are reminded about the fact that we don't know our sons or Addi the way we want to because we still don't have the whole key to unlocking their brains so that they are no longer held captive.

We have come a long way on this journey, but it is heart wrenching to see what was taken from us. Over the next few years we will be reminded on a daily basis, as we watch Connor grow, how much was actually stolen from us.

In my heart I know that this is the path that was meant for us to walk. It was not to be any different. It has been written from the beginning that this is what our family would be and this is what the Lord has for some of our children. Knowing this does not make the grief any less. As parents we all have dreams for our children. Dreams of success in faith, work and family. At this point I am afraid to dream for my kids. I don't want to have them crushed again.